keeeptalking

June 16, 2017

Why I broke my promise to you

Filed under: Poetry,Society,Uncategorized — by Zuhair @ 6:50 pm
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heartbreak-1209211_960_720

We had a few hours to go before I would board that plane for a short flight back home, leaving you and the life we made for ourselves behind. You asked me if I would be back and I said I would. In fact, I promised that I would. The fact of the matter is when I made that promise; I meant it with every particle of my being, and with every breath I took. It was only after I had arrived home that I realized I didn’t mean that promise. I realized that I hadn’t meant any of the things I ever said to you.

I never meant it when I said ‘I love you’ or when I told you that I would be forever yours. Those were just things everyone said when they were in a relationship. I never meant it when I said I forgave you and I most certainly never meant it when I let you hold me after one of our fights. That was just something people do in a relationship to make things work. Sometimes, all one needs is to step outside to be able to see how horrible it was inside, and from the outside, things were looking pretty dark and scary. I am certain that if you had also stepped outside and seen what I had seen, you would have left too.

Remember when we fought about the way you were with other women, the way you did not respect what I wanted, and the way you did not want to give me what I needed? The fight was only about having to do extra housework because you wouldn’t buy me what I needed, or about you standing too close to another woman, or about you not understanding and not attempting to see things from my perspective. That’s what I thought they were about and that’s what you thought they were about.

When I stepped outside our life, left you and went back to my old life, I saw that it was about much more than that. It was about me not being able to be myself in your company because I was afraid you would judge me, it was about the way you agreed with everything I said and did before you married me but turned out to be a totally different person after we married, it was about you counting how many calories I consumed with every serving I ate, even if it was a cup of yogurt, and about you commenting on my stretch marks, and belly flab. Imagine being married to someone you can’t be yourself with. Imagine spending the rest of your life that way.

That’s what it was really about and that was what hurt me, built a wall between us and eventually drove me away. I was not beautiful to you because you had seen so many other beautiful women you could not have, and I was not intelligent to you because you had your Western education to brag about. You made me feel little and that was the littlest I had ever felt in my life. Was a promise going to change that, when even the promise of marriage and companionship did not?

When I made that promise to you, I wanted to keep it. Because that was the ideal, that’s what everyone thinks should happen; the fairy tale. We fight. We make up, right? But we didn’t and the marriage was ruining both of us. Sure, we had good times. We may have been good friends in another world but this marriage in this world was making me angry and making you bitter.

There is no such thing as the ideal although there can be such a thing as a compromise in a relationship, but we weren’t headed that way. We got married so young, because we had no reason not to, because society declared 21 the right age for a girl to marry and 26 the right age for a boy to marry; we settled for a standard that was not our own and we paid the price for it, while society, having made no promises, sat back and watched us, judged us and chose a side.

August 19, 2016

Rain

Filed under: Uncategorized — by Zuhair @ 5:19 pm

imageThe desert does not see rain as often as the mountain.

For someone who lives in the Middle East, experiencing the rain in the summer, while on vacation in Srilanka, is indeed rare.

September 13, 2015

A melancholy state

Filed under: Uncategorized — by Zuhair @ 2:32 am

keeeptalking

The beautiful moon cannot glow,

and the rivers cannot so softly flow;

The shy plants cannot turn away,

and the silent night,

sprinkled with secret sounds,

cannot be stolen by day,

as long as we are so separate,

as separate as the moon and the sun,

and the sand and the sky

in so melancholy a state.

C

Image: Charles Codman. Cabin in the Woods.  1828.

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August 20, 2015

Emotion

Filed under: Uncategorized — by Zuhair @ 10:25 am

Abundantly, emotion splashes

like the waves along the shore;

and ever so gently, warmth powders

the beating heart, causing it to sore.

I see, when my eyes are closed

and hurt when my eyes are open,

and not a day goes by

when I do not feel broken.

But I hold on to this,

this, that is as brilliant and golden

as the disappearing sun,

inviting nights which from us, are stolen.

0004-0047_stadt_am_fluss_bei_sonnenuntergang

Image: A city at the river in sunset – Joseph Mallord William Turner

November 7, 2014

Forgive me

Filed under: Uncategorized — by Zuhair @ 4:19 pm

Forgive me.

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